Something Different

I am a perfectionist. The first step is admitting it right?  I have to be the "perfect" student, dancer, daughter, teacher, missionary, friend......person.  That's what I thought at least.  But this week I learned something. I can't be perfect. At least not my definition of perfect and I am not supposed to be.  Christ is perfect and that is enough.  Trying to be "perfect" is only going to make me unhappy and a master of failure.  I have discovered my definition of perfect has been wrong. In this life to be perfect is to be complete.   Which means the good and the bad, weakness and strength, weird and normal, because that is how God intended us to be while here.  So, I am trying to change my thoughts and my mind.  I think I will always want to do my best and strive for excellence but I am ready to change.  I don't HAVE to be anything. I am free to change, create and recreate myself.  God gave me weaknesses so I would have experiences. He knew I wouldn't be tempted by drugs, alcohol, partying, swearing or stealing but he did know I would expect a lot from myself, I would buy into the Medias lies, I would be tricked by society and I would forget where my worth comes from.  That is the experience he needed me to have and I am having it.  I am learning every day. I am learning to love my good, bad, odd, goofy, shy, crazy, loud, quiet and weird sides.  I am learning who I have become today, is an accumulation of everything I have heard, experienced, seen, done, not done, dreamed and heard my entire life.  I am still trying to figure out what thoughts, that have been shoved in my overcrowded head, are true and which aren't, but I know the Lord will help me do that.  I am learning to love all the "different" parts of me.

 I love that I have long hair and have no idea what to do with it. I love that my face fills up with freckles during the summer. Or that my eyes are just as indecisive as me and change colors every day.  I love the tiny birth mark on my right shoulder.  And the lone freckle on the palm of not only my right hand but my left as well.  I am learning to accept and love my body.  I am accepting that I don't have supermodel legs and a movie star face. And that is okay.  Because I look like me and nobody will ever look just like me.  I am learning it is okay I am terrified of love. I am afraid....to love, that I am impossible to love and that I will be hurt by love. I am accepting that part of me and learning from it. I love that I laugh to loud. Or that I am dramatic and scream when unnecessary.   I love that I hug too often but that I don't care because it is my favorite thing in the entire world. I love the way my fingers fumble over the piano but I could play for hours trying to figure it out. Or that I run around my home on my tip toes talking in a squeaky voice.  And that I am a horrible cook.  I love that cupcakes put a smile on my face.  I love that I blush several times a day. Or that I dance anytime, anywhere - the grocery store, car, bedroom, while doing dishes, while folding laundry, when I am extremely happy and of course in the dance studio.  I love that my heart grows a little bigger every time I get a new student.  I love my faults, differences, odd ends and imperfections.  Because without them I wouldn't be me.  I am still learning how to love ALL the parts of me but I know that will come.  I know I will have hard days when I don't feel like enough, or like I'm not good at anything, or like no one could love all my different sides. But it is then I will ask the Lord to remind me of my worth to him, and that is enough.

That was a lot of words. My apologizes.